The critical point of my purging journey to union.
There’s a major realisation on my love life today.
November is a weird month. I believe for many of us too. It’s a month of scorpio represents deep transformation along with the judgment number year of 2020.
The separation between me and my twin started 10/31 on the full moon in Taurus. Since I have met my twin I have been experiencing soul shock. A spiritual/divine awakening. My sleep patterns, food patterns, lifestyle, hobbies and focus of life started to change. Technically our separation in physical started 10/25, but I officially ended things with him on 10/31 where I cannot stand the fear of losing someone anymore. He is showing inconsistencies at the time. When we are physically together, we are so present and harmonious. But when we are physically apart is where things gets shaky. One day he told me that he doesn’t like how emotional i made him feel and he started to pull back and shut down. His pulling back got me scared also. So I ended it. But this is not the focus of this article. I will get back to the full story when I am in physical union with my twin.
OK, so after I ended things. I started to realise that I’m over giving in the relationship. In fact I realised I’m over giving in most relationships. I am always on my own. I’m always the one who has all the answers and no one is able to answer mine. Because my questions are always too deep for people to provide me answers that’s close to truth. I’m a truth seeker by default. So I’m always on my own. And I’m always giving support to others. Including my mom, my friends. I feel like when I have a problem there’s no one I can really rely on. It’s just me and Buddha.
After separation, I think on 11/02, I feel extremely tired about always being the solution for others. (I wrote an article on my chinese blog and my dad came to reconciliation with me and it helped me healed big time. But also I realize his egoistic influences on me.)
I found out that I never truly believed that I would find someone that I can rely on, trust, respect on a deep level. Literally no man that I encounter and spend time with in my life had truly gained my respect. (only my buddhism teacher but i don’t know him as a private connection) I always see their ego and weakness easily. And no man has levelled up to my wisdom and my bravery to face weaknesses. My twin is the only one I feel i can respect and trust on a deep level.
I realise I’ve never had the audacity to ask universe to grant me a guy who I can admire and rely on. Because I have never met any guy like that. And today I have a deeper understanding of what I have experienced and my conditioning in this area. I found out I was constant in emotional abuse with male figures in my life and I see it as norm. And the toxicity is from their ego, I was shocked that the closest male figure in my life all egoistic and see me as a competition on a deep level. I think maybe because I “know” too much so they are scared fo me? (That I can see through their fears) Or I present myself “too smart” so to speak? First is my father, then it’s my ex-boyfriend, then it’s my business partner/roommate.
I know they all love me, but at the same time they also bring toxicity into my life. They were never truly there to support and love me. Because their ego is always in the way. I’m only supported when I am miserable. But if i am gaining things that’s beyond their imagination or “wining”. They will try to take me down. Try to put fears in me. Try to project their own fears and try to brainwash me fear based view on vulnerability and love. And the more I ascend, the more they want to pinned me down into a box of my past. They will try to tell me that I’m not worth the love that I want in a very subtle way. And they will try to make me doubt myself but disguise it as they care for me. I know in their mind they think they are coming from a good place of looking out for me. But as I got more clarity on myself and my identity I know that’s not true.
Today I was so angry at the experience where no male figure was truly there for me. And it made me realise the anger within is the reason why I am in separation with my twin. And throughout the experience of November. With emotions fluctuating, I come to know that when I am in awareness and connected to my heart, the negative emotions and issue arises shows that I’m in the process of releasing and healing. So feeling this anger tells me that this is the conditioning that I need to know about myself. And it’s blocking the way of manifesting the love I want. Because in order to manifest the love I want. I need to fully step into unconditional love for myself and others. I have to embody the kind of love I want, I have to become that to receive that love.
I took the test of vibrational state of myself.
My energy state test result is 418. Unconditional love is at the vibration of 500 and above. I feel like I’m guided to this piece of information by angels. To let me know where I am in my journey. And what is the thing that I don’t know that’s self-sabotaging the love I want. The purging wasn’t as bad as before, it feels a lot lighter and empowering. (But maybe because I was releasing anger, anger gives people false sense of power?) And as I go through today’s epiphany, I feel like I know a bit more about “release what doesn’t serve me” and what it means to be an eternal being. I don’t know how it’s related but today after I released my anger I feel like my impatience issue is mostly solved too. (Maybe my impatience is caused by rooted anger?)
Since November I have a strong feeling that god is with me every step of the way. And I’m really feeling the power of divine timing. And I fully trusted this journey will bring me to my blessings for the love I want to manifest. Because I know the love I want has no room for fears and ego. The level of connection I craved for was intense enough that I cannot hide anywhere from myself. Since I met my twin flame and chose this gameplay in this 3D world. I recalled I am always the player who deliberately chooses the hardest game and pushes though even I wanted to smash the console and cry. Now I know why that is lol
I wanted this love since childhood, and i don’t feel anyone around me understands the connection I am craving for. Or maybe they do they just don’t think this type of connection existed. My soul chose the path for me, so I know I’m not the type who gives up. I will have faith, let go and trust.
